So it seems I've been updating this for no reason as you're not coming here anymore.

Give me a sign if you still read, though.

I don't even know what to think anymore.

It's important to note that I haven't been able to write any songs in years because my brain has been an absolute mess.

But, now that I'm actually feeling decent again and my head has cleared I'm coming up with so much stuff it's amazing.

Went to see Cobra Starship, Forever The Sickest Kids, Hit The Lights, and Sing It Loud at the House of Blues last night. Took some pictures - actually turned out pretty good. It was first time I was in a box at the House of Blues and I never want to be on the floor again. Thanks for letting me join you, Ashley.

You can see all the pictures here.

Oh, if you knew what was keeping me up at night...

I know what I would be doing at this point if I were in your situation but I'm not sure if you care to even hear it.

It pains me that this is happening to you. You're the only person who has stuck by my side for the last 8 years through thick and thin. I don't like what you're caught up for a variety of reasons but the biggest is that you don't deserve this. You deserve better because of how awesome of a person you are. You're my best friend - you've forgiven me for terrible things that I've done - and I hate to see this happening to you. It angers me that someone can play with your heart like that but I know that there's nothing that I can do at this point.

Is it ok to say that you looked cute today? I hope so.

It's definitely helping that I've got this great program on my iPhone called iDiary. It's saving me from saying a lot of stupid things here that often make my life hell. It's extremely nice to be able to say things that I normally would contain and never express in some manner. I feel that my life has become a whole lot stressful because it's not constantly hanging over my head.

It's also helpful that I also know my place. There are still some cloudy details but (hopefully) those will be cleared up as time passes. We'll see, I guess.

I've been so upbeat of late it's amazing.

Maybe I'm finally comfortable admitting that it's true. I could never come to terms with it before but now...I am.

I mean, there's still that little sliver of hope which will always remain, but I'm not letting it consume my mind. It'll always be with me but...I don't know where I'm going with this anymore.

It's late. My bed is beckoning for me.

I think it's safe to say that I'm not letting anything get under my skin of late. I'm actually relatively surprised at how I'm reacting to you getting mad at me - it doesn't phase me.

In fact, everything has been subdued. No shit about not going out on Friday, no shit about what you're doing. One call and if you don't pick up, oh well.

Maybe I finally get the point.

One thing I'm iffy on is if you liked knowing that I cared when you got home. Was that annoying or not? I mean, I care deeply and I want to make sure you're safe, but if you don't want me to do it I won't. I haven't been doing it just because I don't know but let me know if you care or not.

I'm just going to have to learn that I'll be taking a backseat to everything...

And that's fine. I'm stilled bummed out by a large amount of things but I'll deal. Tonight helped a lot. I'm glad that it seems like never isn't actually that. And that there really is no reason why it shouldn't be any other way.

Well, that was a better answer than I hoped. I always have a bit of doubt, especially when it is that simple but I'm doing my best to constrain that.

I mean, I still hope that one day you decide that you'd like to give it a shot again but I know I shouldn't wait for that day to come. One day, I hope, one day.

And I know that it's entirely selfish but for as long as you two are anything remotely close to being together I'm not going to like it. And it's not because of this. It's because I absolutely detest him and can't stand the thought of you two together for a long period of time. But I don't have much say in the matter - this is just an entirely selfish position.

And I should be happy for you regardless of whether or not I like your decision. You're my friend and I care for you more than anyone else in this world - guess the same can't be said of you towards me at this point - and as long as your happy I should be happy for you. Doesn't mean that I can't hope it's short-lived for whatever reason I choose, but whatever.

I'm sorry that I never say never.

Apparently you do. I just wish I knew why.

I'm forcing myself to stop caring. I'm not injecting myself into your life anymore. I don't need to and you don't want me to.

I finally get it. It took long enough. But now that it's happened...it'll all be better.

I hate myself. Positively. Absolutely. Completely.

Goddamnit I'm foolish. I'm stupid. I'm ignorant.